[SATIRE] BREAKING: Klondike Runs Out Of Paper; CPAH Relocates To Alaska

WARNING: Extreme Satire, but it might not be funny.

TACO BELL, Lucifer’s Office: We’ve officially said goodbye to CP Army Media and CP Army League and hello to CP Army Hub, and you already know the reasons why we’ve decided to make the move. At least you think you know the reason why. CP Army Hub has only just begun and it’s come to my attention that CP Army Hub is already keeping secrets from you!

Why am I not in Klondike when I write this? Well there are two answers to that, first being I love Taco Bell from the bottom of my heart, and Taco Bell has an endless supply of tissues, and if you’ve eaten at Taco Bell, then you know why too. So why did I bring up tissues? Well, that’s because Klondike is out of paper!!! I had to rush to the closest Taco Bell store at Summit where I was met by a pringles knock off gang, who led my way to Taco Bell so I could write down this report on tissues.

It so happens that the merge between CP Army Media and CP Army League was of utmost importance to continue our fantastic news agencies. Slushy and Klondike had both run out of paper! And both organizations were fighting it off with one another to gain control of another region that could sustain us for another few years.

Weighing in at 140 pounds was the CP Army Media fighter, Pookie437, going up against the Lightweight Champion, CP Army League Fighter, 32op. As they both prepared for their fight, they logged on to Mammoth and were ready to face off at Badboy’s mansion. In a battle that was then heavily botted by DrFlen, it was decided that the match result would be a draw between the two and they both finally shook hands on coming together to rule over another green region together.

Pookie, DrFlen,32op, and LuciferStar then began their journey into the unknown as we started our search for a new Capital.

The administration going on the search as Into The Unknown plays in the background

Now before we go into the details of our journey through the icy peaks of Sub Zero, we first need to address how this catastrophe came to be.

How did Klondike and Slushy run out of paper?

The most obvious reason would be:

Excessive Furry Reports

Close to 4 back to back Furry reports

Our Investigation Team at CP Army Hub reported that most of our green cover at Klondike was lost over the Furried-19 scare that had befallen upon the Army League. It was believed that in order to create such perfect reports, Mr. Oregan619 used to use over thousands of pages to perfect his reports. So it was not just Mehak who was gravely impacted by Furried-19, it was also the entire news agency.

Excessive Multilogging Special Reports

Another day, another multilogging report

You wake up in the morning, drink your cup of coffee, and then you open your discord only to see another “CPAM SPECIAL REPORT: MULTILOGGING”, to be honest, a direct benefit of CPA:TG shutting down would mean that our green cover at our new capital would not be ruined as quickly as Max would not be able to bring out his exposé posts over multilogging by armies.

Epic101 and Zing

Another reason why Slushy and Klondike ran out of paper was the number of merge talks we had before actually merging. So you see, at the start of this year, the first step was taken by the high IQs who decided to call everyone to a CPPS I won’t name. A lot of paper was wasted drafting the proposal, which at the end was torn apart by the haters. Due to all of the fiasco which took place after the Furrid hit the CPAL community, Epic101 decided to burn Slushy’s paper stock after his departure from the community. On the same hand, after getting removed by both the parties, Zing did the same with the stash he stole from Ayan’s office. The administration thus decided to cut down the trees in CPATG’s forest, and produce paper until the inauguration of CPAH (the DMCA was actually a notice which we got due to virtual deforestation).


The Conspiracy

Almost immediately after we got a notice over the viral deforestation that was going on at Klondike and Slushy, which the CP Army Hub lied to you saying it was a DMCA against CPA:TG, Ayan, and Emcee the two main woodcutters began to slowly disappear from the scene. The reason this notice was concerning was that it was related to illegal logging. What is illegal logging you ask?

The administration team was appalled by such blatant accusations against a clean organization, however, Pookie and I received an anonymous note that was labeled “Da Best Tip ever”, not knowing who sent the tip, we immediately set off an investigation working alongside the newfound evidence from that note. The note accused Ayan and Emcee as being responsible for the act of illegal logging. Along with the note, we also found a picture of Ayan and Emcee in the woods cutting down timber and shipping it away to Africa.

Leaked picture of Ayan and Emcee taking away our wood

We were finally able to confirm our suspicions as Ayan and Emcee mysteriously dropped in their retirement letters all at once

If you go through Ayan’s retirement letter, you’ll see that he’s confident about staying in touch with Emcee post-retirement. Further investigation has led us to believe that they were both indulging in this activity in order to settle in Uganda after their retirement. It was definitely hard to believe that such eminent people would be indulging in such acts. Uganda be kidding me.

The Solution

After several days, our Pengu77 car finally broke down along the shores of Alaska. To our surprise, we saw that Alaska was filled with a green cover. So green, even Zamb’s vegan mouth started watering, and it was then decided that our capital would now be Alaska. As we begin to move our offices to Alaska, it’s still uncertain how long Alaska can hold out. More developments will be brought your way as soon as I get notified about it.


What do you think? Do you think our green cover will last us a year in Alaska? Let us know what YOU think in the comments below!


CP Army Hub Chief Executive Officer


One Response

  1. Had to come back for a nice satire. I did indeed clear his office of paper 🙂


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