[SATIRE] If Armies Were Football Clubs

ALASKA, Regan’s Mind, CP Army Hub Headquarters – Football: the world’s most-watched sport. With the recent return of the Premier League, and of course the more anticipated English Football League Championship. This made me wonder who would the armies be compared to within the footballing world.

Satire warning: Do not take anything in this article seriously, it was made in good humor.

Elites = Sheffield United 

New blood Elites are in a golden age this generation under the leadership of Luciferstar. Why are the Elites Sheffield United, you may ask? Recently promoted, Sheffield United has jumped to unpredictable heights, even reaching the European spots of the Premier League table.  This is very similar to the Elites barging into the Top 10 in CPAL and the current Top 20 system.

Blades of glory: How lifelong fan Chris Wilder has inspired the ...


Army of Club Penguin = Arsenal

What exactly do Arsenal and the Army of Club Penguin have in common? Well, straight up — both are past their glory days. Both had their most success in the ’00s with Arsenal going invincible in 2004, and I’m sure the Army of Club Penguin felt invincible in the first few years of their existence. Both have lost major influence in terms of performances with Arsenal losing Arsène Wenger and ACP losing their most loved and most amazing leader — of course, I’m talking about Purpleslime. In spite of this, the future looks promising for both sides with fantastic stars such as Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who can be compared to ACP General Orange. Both Arsenal and the Army of Club Penguin have a history of finishing 4th and both are expected to return to glory sooner rather than later.

Pierre-Emerick Auborangeyang

Dark Warriors = Manchester United

The 2nd most successful team in English Football is compared to the 2nd most successful army in the Warrior Alliance. The Dark Warriors appeared to be quite the force in early 2020, breaking history by being the only army to qualify for a final and still not win the tournament — all under the leadership of Freezie. Freezie’s retirement can be compared to the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson. While there have been blips of success after each retirement, both sides will never be able to fill the gap left by both Sir Alex and Freezie. Also, lads, I only chose Man. United as Dark Warriors for Freezie, who is a lifelong closet Manchester United Fan.

Freezie models for Manchester United’s crest

Doritos of Club Penguin = Chelsea

Chelsea Football Club and the Doritos have a lot in common besides each being established only 7 years apart, with Chelsea founded in 2004 by Roman Abramovich and Doritos in 2011 by Wwebestfan. Chelsea F.C. has gone through many, many, many, many, many, many managerial changes over the years, similar to Doritos nowadays changing leadership like I change kegs. The Doritos can also be compared to Zenit St. Petersburg, PSG, or basically any Italian team.

Ice Warriors = Derby County

The Ice Warriors and Derby County are both known as the best at what they do. Derby County formed in 1884 and is the greatest football team that’s ever kicked a ball. This isn’t the only reason the Ice Warriors have been compared to Derby — Ice Warriors leader and Egyptian international Ben Salah has been pushing for a move away from Anfield in search of joining not just the biggest club in England, but the biggest club in the world: Derby County. I promise you there is no bias towards the army I lead which is the Ice Warriors and my football team Derby County.


Ben Salah’s dream move

Janitors = Rangers (1872 – 2012)

Two of my favorites, Rangers F.C. and the Janitors, both adored by all and hated by none. The Janitors are the most successful army in Club Penguin army history, achieving gigantic sizes of 7 under the leadership of the greatest leader of all leaders, Da Best. The Glasgow Rangers founded in 1872 are the most respected team in not just Scotland but also in my home country of Ireland. Da Best has managed to be the equivalent of the 54 time Scottish champions. They both really are quite simply Da Best. The Janitors and Rangers are both missed by many. While Rangers have been revived, this is without permission from the original creators which I believe should be deemed invalid.

Do you think these comparisons are accurate? Have you got any more predictions you may have? make sure to drop them in the comment section below! 


CP Army Hub Reporter

5 Responses

  1. I honestly expected teams from leagues other than the English to make an appearance, but well done post Regan


  2. Forgot me regan


  3. Does anyone realise back in the 2007/08 season that they got relegated from the premier league with 11 points?


  4. The doritos were founded in 2010, not 2011.


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